Tag Archives: anxiety

Recipe for Brains

You decimate my impulse control
with a glance in my direction,
causing me not to feel a swoon,
but the need to punch you in the face.

I’m not a violent person,
my blood pressure elevates
until it pushes all common sense
out of my finger tips.

I’m no longer human,
just a vessel filled to the brim
with memories and emotions
of everytime you wronged me.

I hate what I become.
A zombie with red eyes
my only goal in afterlife
is to bash your brains.

I swear this is not me,
just a horrible recipe.
I added faith and kindness,
I expected human decency,

What I got was society,
brown and bubbling
it’s fragrance toxic to the mind.
You are their best accomplishment.

They praise you for being
decisive and independent.
You do not run by people’s expectations,
what a revolutionary.

I am too innocent, they say,
Rose-colored glasses on my nose,
I am foolish
to expect the golden rule.

I am just a second chance,
no worries, extra-mile,
works late on fridays,
smiles at strangers girl.

So, I’ll just pull my sunglasses down,
my eyes turn into sunsets,
fueled by the fire behind them,
to prove you wrong.

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Do You Know Where You Live?

I know where you live.
Over between confident and insecure.
Your house takes up the entire block.
Monday to Thursday,
You live in the right wing,
Relishing time to yourself,
Until alone becomes lonely,

But on Friday,
You do a cartwheel to the left wing,
Where you are a superhero,
An angel by day, fighting crime by night,
You could conquer the world.

You say hello to a stranger,
Allow someone to invade your personal space
by sipping coffee at a table next to yours,
You make a joke with the barista,
Watch the sunset through your iphone lens,
Have drinks at a crowded bar with your friends,
Lead your group to the corner booth, you on the inside.

By Sunday night, You are crawling back to your hollow abode,
energy depleted, proud of your accomplishments in the world,
You went all out, had real experiences.

By the next morning,
you are back being unassured,
wondering if the barista laughs at everyones jokes,
Was the sun really those bright colors, or was it just a filter?
Would that guy you had been eyeing,
the one with the blue eyes and smile so wide,
have approached if your heart hadn’t gone silent?

You have pride in being a strong, independent woman,
but are you strong
if you can’t control your thoughts,
if your actions are based on the weather?
Are you independent, or just alone?

I have to tell you,
it is strong to know what you can handle,
to work with where you are,
it is an accomplishment to understand recovery,
You…I am a strong, independent woman,
who knows where I live.

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Trauma

Wind waves pass,
Saying hello,
The house stays still,
Not wanting to play,
Ignoring the breath,
Staining the window.

Only the sound of time,
Remnants of moments,
That were once inviting,
Now covered in layers,
of distance and neglect.

A shell
Of a life once lived,
Etched with meaning,
Within its organs.

Trees are ever changing,
Waiting for a jolt,
From a storm or
An awaiting rainbow,
To bring a pulse,
Back into it’s walls,

And the wind,
Will come dancing through
As an old friend.

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Tuesday

Today, I was stupid,
I was a human,
I made a human mistake,
A simple miscommunication,
A word slipped past my ear,
too much going on,
it missed it’s exit,
So, I end up stumbling,
blind to the quick sand at my feet,
until its up to my neck,
I had a moment to decide,
to sink or swim,

My heart feels like its going to explode,
hours after the sand has seceded,
I feel as though I am sinking,
but
I swam,
I swam,
I swam.

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Broken

You consume my every thought
That I want to put into words
But every poem that begins
Sounds like a eulogy
That I will have to give.

So, forgive me.

I can’t paint you
Into a thousand words.
The watercolors always bleed
One thought into another.

My mind doesn’t allow
Ignoring of obvious possibilities.

Imagination is a child’s play thing,
The child being my anxiety,
My mind the playground,
The ground is lava.

My hands are always slipping
Across the monkey bars.

I’m stuck in the middle,
Writing a poem,
About a poem I want to write,
About how writing that poem will break me.

Is this insanity?

Maybe if I will it hard enough,
Lily pads will appear beneath my toes,
But will I be strong enough to let go
And trust that everything won’t burn?

I’m pink with the rising heat,
Someone has a basketball,
thump,

thump,

thump.

I can feel it through my body.

I know what you are thinking,
It is not me.
It is not me.
It can’t be me.

I should be able to grab the monkey bars,
pull myself up and make it to the other side.
I should be able to put those words on paper,
hundreds and hundreds of words.

I live on paper.
That is my heart’s playground,
26 letters to rearrange at my own whim,
It is my favorite game.

You are weaved through the
thump,

thump,

thumps.

You belong on my paper.

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No Control

This feeling isn’t new.
It’s like a skydiver has taken my heart as a parachute.
Free falling.
My heart holding on as it folds into itself,
Against the pressure of the wind and the view,
The ground growing closer,
Dots becoming shapes,
Shades of green and brown
Turning into backyards and farms.
When is the cord going to be pulled?
When is the relief going to come?
So that I know that my heart
Isn’t going to go splat on the sidewalk
Next to the promises that I made to myself.
I wear my heart on my sleeve,
Not in a romantic kind of way,
But in a truth kind of way,
In a goodness kind of way.
And yet, here I am again,
Losing the ground beneath my feet,
Air getting lost on the way to my lungs,
All because I trusted myself,
To squish down the feelings that are
Fighting a civil war in my chest.
I promised I wasn’t going to allow a person to be my trigger,
But what can I do if I gave them the bullet?

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Overload

I spent my day 

With an anxious heart.

I go on my day,

But with every beat,

I feel the unrest that

Lives behind my lungs,

Aching into every breath,

Seeping into my veins,

Turning my nerves into fire,

Causing the brain to malfunction. 

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