Tag Archives: diary

A Lost Thought

My life is a constant,

but I choose the variables.

The reactions of what life

throws in my direction,

are based on my choices

of what I decide to give

back to a world that

doesn’t know the meaning

of a slow and steady race,

but throws curve after curve,

until I lay breathing

in a corner of truth,

determining not whether

I will stand again but

rather which foot will go first,

until I stand tall enough to see

over a city of my hurdles,

that I am too strong,

to have a moment without

meaning. With no meaning,

we give up the control we

gain when we know the

weight of what we are given,

but have the knowledge to hold it

preciously in our hands, like a

feather that just might blow away.

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Gladiator

I don’t have any fight

left in me.

I find myself saying Yes,

my soul saying No.

 

I keep forcing the battle

into a MMA cage,

My heart still comes bruised,

rusty and wasted.

 

The only sign outside

are the half moon

dents implanted

in the palm of my hand.

 

I’m so tired,

Wanting to stay

in my bed tired,

my face in a pillow.

 

I need a release.

Something more than

shattering a wall

of disappointment.

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Sunflower of Redemption 

You are a ray of sunshine

That’s what they used to say,

Now, I’m tainted.

 

What used to be a golden shine,

Now is an orange tainted musk,

That flickers like an old flame.

 

I heard this line in a song once,

“The moon is a lie without the sun.”

Did I only shine because of society’s light?

 

Do I only project what I receive?

When did I become that person?

So shallow and undeserving.

 

I’m avoiding mirrors,

Friends and family,

Ashamed.

 

I need my light,

My shining light as bright as child’s smile.

I can find my way back.

 

I want to feel like

A sunflower in the summer,

With no doubt of who to worship.

 

My unwavering focus

On a path,

To redemption.

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My flower 

After all this time
My chest tightens with joy
As I go breathless.

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Naive

I write

so that you and I

can come alive.

 

In these 8 x 11 borders

we can be free

to know we can breathe.

 

Eyes can peer

fingers may hold us

but we don’t fuss

 

We are alive

taking long walks

across each lined block.

 

Greeting our fellow

vowels and consonants

that make our love sonnet.

 

Our only fault

to think we are immortal

when we are written in pencil.

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Fitting you in

I think in words,

syllables as building blocks,

a game of tetris until

the right pieces fit.

 

Phrases bounce around,

turning into stanzas,

til stanzas fit stanzas,

so a poem sits right here.

 

You are the random bolt,

the square in my round peg,

the lost instructions,

you are my monday morning.

 

You sit on the tip of my tongue,

waiting to dive into my throat,

so I can give you life through,

my voice that hides in the back,

 

I’m missing the lego piece,

that connects you to,

my inner realm that

flows out of this pen.

 

You are scary.

Knowing you can disrupt

with so much calm,

something so sacredly simple.

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Broken

I love you,

but not like that.

I’m a good liar,

you see –

 

My morning routine consists

of putting on a mask,

blending together so that

the end is the beginning.

 

I love you,

but not like that.

I’m a good liar,

you see –

 

I speak in a different tongue

when I see your eyes,

it leaves a foreign taste,

but I always get a response.

 

I love you,

but not like that.

I’m a good liar,

you see –

 

When our fingers brush

goosebumps spread,

I’m rigid like a statue,

nerve endings on pause.

 

I love you,

but not like that.

I’m a good liar,

you see –

 

I write this poem

with a broken pen,

truth leaks out the top,

no control over the ink.

 

I love you,

but not like that.

I’m a good liar,

you see?

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Deep Down

You

have

my heart.

 

I

just need

your name.

 

Whisper

it in

my ear,

 

so

my heart

can sing.

 

Write

it in

my palm,

 

So

you touch

my soul.

 

You

have

a home,

 

in

my

imagination,

 

give

me

a key,

 

to

allow

my eyes,

 

the

ability

to decieve,

 

my

mind

that won’t,

 

believe

you

would be,

 

here

for

me.

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A New Kind of Drug

Epiphanies are rare,

but when they come

they are a rush

of fresh fall air.

 

Internally grateful,

it flows through my body,

relieving the knots

of worry and doubt.

 

A drug that I need daily,

a single thought,

the right thought,

the key to functionality.

 

How do I keep them flowing?

Keep my blood rushing?

How do I keep from looking down?

So, I can ride this for eternity.

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20 years later…

My heart still searches.

Nothing I write comes out right,

When I try writing about you.

You are my biggest secret, its true.

I locked you away, guarded by a knight.

My heart still searches.

I pretend memories don’t exist.

Left in the desert of my mind.

I think its easier to be blind.

It’s not safe, even for a quick tryst.

My heart still searches.

It took me 15 years to hear a story.

Knowing nothing about you was safer.

Using the future as an eraser.

You deserved more, deserved glory.

My heart still searches.

For I remember all that is possible.

The moments right before I was told,

Your watch on mom’s arm, old & gold,

Kneeling by the casket, the impossible.

My heart still searches.

You’re the secret I hold dear, for fear,

If I say too much, I won’t be able to recall,

That I’m the girl that jumped at your call,

From the swing, to greet you with cheer.

My heart still searches for your voice in my ear.

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